Saturday, August 29, 2009

TEARS make me smile


Sometimes I feel so lonely
I just want to cry
Sometimes my heart feel heavy
It weeps until years dry

I beg for smile
‘but tears the gift I got
The pain I want to shed
But it hugs me a lot

Deep inside me my soul is fighting out
Withered burnt and lonely in the desert ground
It keeps searching the cause
Cause for my sorrow around
The sufferings and burdens
To which my heart is bound

But as dead end search has brought nothing
Just more questions with no answers to anything
It has engulfed me
No hope I can see
Just the stress and tension
Are always with me


But still beneath me. I know its trough and crest
It’s the bad patch going on soon the good will dawn from east
Awaiting it I know
Something good with pace slow’
Is approaching me

I will embrace it
With hesitation a bit
Coz I know after this
Again the bad will lit

Good and bad as they go
Teaches us the life’s flow
Tears and smiles come in a row
One after the other as our life’s glow
when we laugh a lot
Tears come along
So when tears slide alone
Laughing is not wrong

Monday, August 17, 2009

Crutches

This was not the first time. This had happened with me even when I was in tenth. And again after 3 years I was at same place………..in front of same person…Doctor Karmarkar. I was just hoping that it should not be a fracture again. He was observing the swelling on my left foot. Dad was just beside me. Breaking the silence doctor said, “ U need to show it to Dr Umre, our anthropologist”. How can I forget him? The same person who had put a plaster on my leg 3 years before.

While leaving his cabin doctor Karmarkar asked me jokingly (or was it a sarcasm), “Same leg again huh…….u children don’t drive properly.” This was too much. He was actually questioning my driving skills, skills that I have developed a lot after that accident. So defending myself I said, “ No it’s not the same leg. That was left n this one is right and this time it’s not because of accident, I just slipped from the stairs.”

After 3 years I was in that same cabin………where I had decided not to come again. It was impossible for me to stand due to pain so as I entered I went to the examination bed directly. At that time that cabin felt so familiar to me. As doctor Umre entered he showed no sign of recognition. How can he ………after all he treats hundreds of patients……..it is impossible for him to remember each of them. He thoroughly examined my left swollen paining foot n told us to have X-ray. Taking X-ray was not a new process to me. In fact previous knowledge helped me in keeping my foot in right the positions. The sister got my X-ray and gave it to the doctor. I was on the bed in X-ray room n my dad and doctor were in his cabin. As I struggled to get up, that sister pointed me to stay there only………doctor wanted to talk with my dad. This thought scared me a lot. Sitting on that bed was not so easy for me, especially when I did not know the doctor’s verdict.

Each and every moment of my last accident and its post effects were fresh in my mind even after 3 long years. Just before one and a half month before my tenth final exam, on 17th Jan, 2005, I met with that horrible accident. I was not allowed to take my mom’s kinetic to tuitions but that day I had a paper in my tuition and I was not well. I was not in a condition to go on a cycle so I requested mom n she allowed me. And I returned home with broken leg. Doctor Umre had put plaster on my right foot as fracture was near ankle. That plaster was for more than 1 month. How can I forget those days………

“……..Oh God not again. Not this time. Don’t let it be a fracture .At least not today. Tomorrow I am having my felicitation” this was what I was praying on that bed. Then the sister came to help me to the doctor’s cabin. I saw my dad’s face and I got the hint. Though he was smiling I could just guess, fracture again. First words came from my mouth were “Oh Shut!#~”.

“It can’t be a fracture. I just lost my balance from stairs. Those too just 1-2 steps were left. How can my leg break like this?”, I asked. I was in shock. I mean I just slipped off. That’s it. Fracture……...that was too much .Doctor Umre said, “Its not a fracture .Its just a minute crack”. Sensing some hope I asked; “then plaster is not required , right?” On this he said heavily, “PLASTER IS REQUIRED.” On this my dad said, “can’t we postpone it 2maro. Actually she is having her felicitation 2maro. Her college is going to felicitate first 30 toppers of B.E first year ..” Doctor Umre said,” Sorry sir but we can’t postpone it .It should be done today only.” On this my dad couldn’t say a word. As the doctor was preparing for putting plaster I was sitting on examination bed with my dad standing beside me. I said to him, “Dad, I don’t want to miss the felicitation.”. “Of course not”, dad said, “we will go on wheel chair or on crutch but u will be there.” So he also wanted me to be there as much as I wanted. I really wanted to attend it, I wanted my dad to see me taking trophy. I wanted him to fell proud of me. Oh sorry , forgot to mentions one more reason….felicitation was in front of new batch of first year students. And my cousin had taken admission in my college. So to show her my genius I wanted to be there….oh man….it was so important for me…..and somewhere within me a voice spoke…. ‘u will b there…yes I will attend it.’

So now …what a situation I was in. First time something good was going to happen with me, before that auspicious moment my bad luck had struck me. That’s something normal and natural to me. Even when I was in tenth, just before 1 month of my board examination my same leg got a fracture. Now as it is rightly said History repeats.

Soon my leg was plaster white and my dad got busy in arranging crutches for me. As I entered my apartment my neighbors, especially aunties were too eager to know the reason for this time. Well my mom and sister greeted me pretty normally. First time (my first accident) when my mom had heard, she was full in tears. But miraculously this time she was normal, in fact too normal as if nothing has happened. And my sister just said few remarkable words “don’t even think that I will serve you”. Well this is all I remember of that day except a few problems like changing clothes (as I had a big, thick fat plaster on my leg) or answering to people who were less interested in my pain but more interested in knowing how again I landed up in this situation.




II

“Avanti Gaidhane” …. “secured merit position”…….sound of clapping…a roar ….i was just going to touch the trophy, looking at the smiling faces on stage, dad waving at me, eyes full of pride , my friends clapping even more louder, hey my cousin, yes she is also smiling . ahhh…ohhhhahhh…pain….a deafening shout n intolerable pain , then darkness . Darkness that my eyes were not familiar with and I am lying down , my whole body shivering, part of my leg below knee unmovable , my trophy lying on floor away from me…and every body laughing at me, my dad standing alone with head down ashamed of me..tears rolling his cheeks. I wanted to shout, to get up and hold my trophy, but the pain was intolerable. I shouted “mom, dad…..”

“Beta what happened? Get up. U will get late.” My mom was vigorously shaking me. That’s the big problem with me It is very difficult to wake me up from sleep. My friends had a tough time waking me from my sleep when we were camping, even though we had strict orders to get up early from our camp instructors. After a long 20 minutes struggle by my friends they only succeeded in making me change my side and utter few word like “You idiots” and “Go to hell”. They all still give my example as a stubborn sleeper. But today mom succeeded in pulling me out of my awful dream. Oh yes it was a dream, a bad, black dream. Now I was lying wide awake in front of my mom, trying to tell her what I saw. “It’s just a dream.” was my mom’s reply. Actually I saw her face which was telling a different story from what she was pretending of. She was trying to be strong but was worried for me and scared also. How I am going to manage today in the college.

With my mom and dad’s help, let me mention my little sis’s service, I was ready for my felicitation, the auspicious ceremony. As I am again and again repeating the importance of this event, it can put an impression that this is my first trophy or like that but that is not the case. I am the proud owner of many trophies but this one is special as I will hold this trophy and crutches simultaneously in my hands. Sitting in living room I realized a presence of a thing, the thing that I hated most, but now it was number one on my priority list , ‘THE CRUTCHES’.

III

I reached college gate. I could sense butterflies in my stomach. Roaring of auto was irritable. My dad thought that auto would be best for me to travel and I had to change 2 autos as the road near the entrance of college got jammed because of rush of students of three different colleges ( these three being located in same area) and also because of the newcomers(First year). So finally when I reached the college gate I heaved a sigh of relief. Till now all my friends would have got this news, I was actually eager to see their faces, their reactions. My friends….And suddenly I started laughing imagining them.


Sitting in the chair laid near the podium I was really feeling weird. Along with me were sitting ;in 4rows; the students who were going to be felicitated. To reach that chair from the entrance was a tuff job as I actually had to gallop and people watching me were making me more embarrassed. Imagine as you enter a big indoor stadium where a great mob is awaiting for the chief guest to arrive suddenly sees a girl galloping on her crutches . You can see all the heads simultaneously turning towards your side and then a loud continuous hissing sound. Believe me it makes you uncomfortable.

I heard my fellow student name being called  the topper  I came to reality. Till now from the time I have taken my place in chair I was imagining the various ways of climbing the two small steps to the podium to receive my prize. I saw my dad  sitting  waiting for my name to be called. And the time came my name it was called.


Holding the memento in my hands was a great feeling. Dad had come to meet all my friends and congratulated them. Even our first year teachers came and congratulated us. That was great. I don’t remember what happened after my name was called. I just remember sound of my friends’  who were helping me to the podium and me saying thanks to the chief guest and posing for the photo. We had a great lunch after that. Lunch with lots of jokes and comments on my plastered leg from my dear friends and we all enjoyed that a lot.
(After many days when I was able to walk I came to know that my dad had not rented the crutches but actually bought it as this was second time. I hope they are just used as a hanging showpiece in my house and not by me)